● i am a Taiwanese. @ Saturday, May 17, 2008 ●
Happy birthday to Kaijia~
^^
Although i am not going to be the birthday girl on wednesday, and i am not the limelight today, but i have to say that i am very blessed to know these people..and be part of this family..
perhaps..i felt the warmth and the loved we shared...
Birthdays after birhtdays..
celebrations after celebrations..
yet never fail to surprise the precious one we plan and work for.
How amazing you people are.
wad kind of crazy things you can ever imagine your fren would do for you? ever come across your mind?? i have my precious friend risking their lives enjoy climbing OUT OF THE WINDOW.. accompanying those wet clothes out there wait to "dry"~ best of all.. play 黑白配 with isolations~ who on earth would do that? my dear friends will.
and to all my dear friends i wanna say..
i will remember you.
Sam and leen..thankx for being so observant today... and your care and concern ^^ i appreciate~ but i serioulsy didnt want you to notice about it.. beocz i wouldnt noe wat to say when u asked me at tt moment..i simply cant convey my feelings to you all..
but i guess...
i guess.. i am just really exhuasted ... i mean..just tired..
of being living alone..
i could be so fully occupied each and everyday and be doing something meaningful..
but deep in my heart ..the emptyness is just never be gone..
i reli dun wish to mention anything about this..not to anyone..not to him..becoz i noe none wil understand wad i mean..and so what if everyone understands? burdens might be shared..but things donesnt get better.. problems wil never be solved..and i dun lyk sympathy..
but i am going to say this openly .. for once..in my blog.
i miss my dad..i want to see him..but he is dead..
i hate him..coz he ruin my life,ever since i was borned.
He is a gangster. one that kills.
i introduced myself to him when i was about 6 years old..in jail..
reason being..i couldnt write a compo titlt "我最伟大的爸爸"
so my mom told me.."Your dad is not dead,you want to see him?"
a man who i should call dad,
he taught me how to operate a gun..when i saw him put a gun on my mom's head..
he taught me how to skip school..when he kidnap me.
he taught me how to lie..when i first flush that packet of drug into the toilet bowl when the police caught my dad..
he taught me how to fight to protect myself when he whack my mom nonestop into unconciouness infront of my eyes..
he gave me my first hug when he was handcarved by the police.
i tld myself never forgive him for wad he did..for puting me into all those shit and all those unbelivable horrible life experience and now turning my mom into someone i dun even noe anymore.
but i cant..coz he is my dad..so i told myself to thank him..
thank him for giving me such an opportunity to learn independantly..and giving me a chance to grow in a different way..so that
when people talk about him i can give them my smile instead my tears?
so that when i am down i can pick myself up from where i fall..
very often i told myself.. peggy..stop thinking aboout all those stuff and move on with ur life.. i know all the talkings and all the dao li better than anyone else..but whenever i think of the scene that i was strangle almost to death and had that knife on my neck.. which do u think work better?
to be honeset..it doesnt work on me..
worse of all..when i took years to get over all those shit..
my mom mention them to me everynite..for the past one month...
repeat and repeat as if i have never heard i have never exsited..
20 years of life..growing up and living alone..without her.. now tt she come into my daily life..she make me feel miserable...
flood herself everynite with all the alcohols and ciggarates..and vomit here and there..cry and cry everynite..relying on medicine and poping them every nite~
mayb she is lonely in Taiwan you would say..
all the "maybes" i know...she is my mom..i know...she is the only family member i have i know...she suffered alot ...i know... she is having depression ..i knw...
all these...i know them
but
i have been a patient daughter..never had i blame her for not having a normal life..a tough life... some parant love..i never... all i did was support...and support... but this time she let me down..
she let everyone down..
in the morning go school..after school..project..accompany her go out..at nite got dance go dance..no dance accompany mom with him..then go home..reach home in the middle of nite.. she starts with all her nonesense...drinking..crying..shouting..messing around.. just to make sure i dun slp until she slps...thats when the sun rise..when i should go school..
to be honest..i am going crazy..i am someone who have thoughts too..i am someone who has a limit to everything too...
how would a daughter feel when she sees her mom lyk this?
all her daughter want is simply just knowing what she had for her breakfast.. where is her school...what is she studying.. where is her class? whaht is her fav color? or maybe her dream..? but..sadly..she doesnt know all the above mentioned.. am i asking too much from a mother? can anyone tell me?
she make me change my perspective for the past 20 years i have lived.. i guess lived a miserable life..
you ask me why cant i treat my landlord lyk my family...
then..have u ever tot about my feeling to be liveing with some freaking hell strangers who i dun even noe what is their real name? and sleeping under the same roof? brushing my teeth in the same toilet? and just want me to open my heart let them in? if tts the case..every one two years i shift a house..i would have a few family tt u called..
i will never love and trust someone easily becoz i dun wanna lose someone i love easily.
我不敢去拥有，因为。。我害怕失去~
and this is not where i belong..not my home..
my hometown is back in Taiwan..
Taiwan is where i had my first cry.. where i was given a name...
and after all these years..i wonder..why am i here...
there could be alot of reasons.. but none convince me..
hey.. i am a Taiwanese...
okay i am realy going too far..i shall stop.
all i wanna say is..
to all my dear friends.. even if u wanna say iam unreasonable..unsensible..or maybe i am runing away..iam inmatured i just wanna say..i am tired of putting up a good front to everyone...and keeping secrets and secretes abt my life..and my feelings..i just wanna say i reli want to go back Taiwan..this is the sentence i reli wanna shout it out loud to the world..coz the reason i came singapore was to keep me safe and away from my dad..and since he is dead now there wun be any threat or harm i would face...but coz i know i cant do it...i cant just throw and dumb everything here and go back there...
if i dunoe anyone of u here maybe i would...if i have never met him here maybe i would.. now i noe the scary part of life,whatever is gone is gone, time flies will never return,whatever happens it wouldnt stop.. life is moving on and on..only memories stays..
perhaps i can never give you that same smile again
你可以有几千个道理,人生哲学来告诉我。。安慰我。。
但，你终究不是我。。
hey.. is that love? or just a habit?
IM HAPPY WITH YOU!
